I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
one two three fourrrrnication!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
