I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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