Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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