my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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