btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
