Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize
