Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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