So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
