how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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