I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
