fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
