There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
