new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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