The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
