I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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