I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
