my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
