we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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