i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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