Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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