I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
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