Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
