never play flip cup with pint glasses
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
