My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
