I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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