apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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