shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
honey bunches of taint.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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