Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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