I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
