would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
