the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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