He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
