Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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