I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
