Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
