So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
