you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
