No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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