I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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