Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
