since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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