you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
