Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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