A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
