Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why do cheetos always look like penises
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
