I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
is that a dick in a sweater?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
