Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
