Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
