i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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