sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
